Losing Gracefully

How Coaches Can Get to Acceptance in the "7 Stages of Grief" After a Loss in Basketball

I just watched Cody Parkey, miss a field goal that would have won the game for the Chicago Bears against the Philadelphia Eagles in the 2019 NFC Wild Card game and I also felt for one of my best friends in life who is as die-hard a fan as they come to be devastated by the turn of events. It reminded me instantly of the 2006 NFC Wild Card Game which saw my Dallas Cowboys lose to the Seattle Seahawks when our beloved quarterback, Tony Romo fumbled the snap which could have led to a game-winning field goal.

To help my friend, I sent him the "7 Stages of Grief" and assured him that he would be at the sixth stage by tomorrow afternoon, I know who he is, and I remembered the same feeling in 2006. It's the life of a fan I told him, through the "best of times and the worst of times."

I began to think about how I handle a loss as a coach. We put so much into competition and preparation, from film study to game planning, practice and warm up, everything is calculated with the outcome centered around one thing: winning. So what happens when our calculations are proven wrong? Are we grief-stricken like Cody Parker and my friend? Are some games bigger and more important than others that we feel this emotion at different levels? The answer to the previous two is yes!

"How you lose in the NBA is important." - Vinny Del Negro

How do we as coaches handle it? How do we get to acceptance? Should we go through the"7 Stages" and appreciate them for what they are?

I remember former Los Angeles Clippers Head Coach Vinny Del Negro at the TPG Scout School Conference during the NBA Summer League in 2018 saying

"How you lose in the NBA is important." This statement means many things from how you handle the locker room to are your calculations in preparation showing through in competition, but ultimately we are judged by two letters, "W" and "L." It is our jobs as coaches and leaders of organizations to handle these situations with grace and respect, and for me, this is how I get to the final stage of acceptance.

As coaches, we are the brightest beacon of our teams after a loss. We've heard the coach-speak catch-phrases, "the buck stops here" or "this one's on me" and "I've got to do a better job getting our team prepared," and while all are true there are times where we must say, "they were the better team tonight." The latter signifying, beyond a shadow of a doubt the truth and the acceptance which we so often run away. There are many reasons for this; quite simply some people can't handle the truth. They could be our bosses or the fans, and they may even be our players. However, what also holds is you can not truly move on until everyone on the team reaches the final stage, "finally finding the way forward."

Some teams have rules, I've heard countless times from top college football programs they have a "24-Hour Rule" which is to say win or lose, we will think about the game for 24 hours and move on. Here, you're dealing with a team the size of a college football team which allows for 105 players and staffs topping out at 20 and 30 at some institutions you have to account for a broader range of personalities.

In basketball, we're talking about usually no more than 15 players, 4 coaches and 10 support staff from trainers to managers, in the NBA you would account for the additional video, analytics, scouting, and operations staff, all of which play a vital role in preparation and strategy but still nowhere near college football or the NFL.

"You win, you lose, you go home, have dinner, a glass of wine and come back the next day ready to go to work." - Gregg Popovich

San Antonio Spurs Head Coach Gregg Popovich once summed it up after a game, "You win, you lose, you go home, have dinner, a glass of wine and come back the next day ready to go to work." This has stuck with me, the stakes are the highest at his level, and yet this statement leaves me with the feeling, "Well yeah, that makes sense, what else would you do?"

Should you stay up all night pouring over the film, only to jog into practice on little sleep, gleaning with the answers as to why you lost the night before? Alternatively, should you accept it and understand that you will put in the work with your staff, will consult with the analytics folks, review the film and get back to work with the same energy as enthusiasm as you had 48 hours before. How fast can you get to acceptance?

For me, it's simple, as soon as the buzzer sounds, my job is to shake the hand of the opposing coach who has worked hard with their staff to prepare their team for competition at the end they put more points on the board than we did. With that handshake, I am extending respect not only to the person but also the organization as a whole. I'm signifying my respect for their work but also respect for the game of basketball itself. I'm also exhibiting no ill-will, regardless of what may have transpired in the game and fully accepting the result. In politics, it would be the equivalent of conceding once the votes are tallied. An essential part of the hallowed election process, bringing closure to what could've been outright, a "no holds barred" battle until the end.

So this is how I get to acceptance, I shake the hand of my opponent, and at that moment the game and emotion is over, the "7 Stages" are over for me and we can begin finding a way forward, which means what I will (or won't) say to my team to get them to the final stage (which is another article).

It seems simple right? But really, what else would you do?